Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
