My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
