I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
