The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
