i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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