Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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