my phone needs a breathalizer
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
