I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
