I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
