I'm lost and stupid without you.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
