I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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