how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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