i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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