We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
