i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
