He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
