I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
