my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
