You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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