Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We have so much sex to catch up on
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
