I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
