It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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