She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
