i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
