Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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