we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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