I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He uses pillows to masturbate.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
