hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
