I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
