I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
