just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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