Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
