apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
