dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
