the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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