Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
