I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The best revenge is premature balding
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
