I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
