I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
