at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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