I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
