The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
time to smoke my breakfast
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
