just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
