why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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