i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
