my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
