The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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