i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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