I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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