According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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